Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Randomize