Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
bring money and cleavage
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize