Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
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