Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
