So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I'm experimenting with sincerity
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
