peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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