maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
