I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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