Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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