So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
