Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
