chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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