He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
