i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize