I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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