So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
