Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
