evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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