I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
