Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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