Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
3pm strippers are depressing
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
