for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
