Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
