If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
