my phone needs a breathalizer
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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