Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
What drink are we having for lunch?
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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