One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
