I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
