I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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