Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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