Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
