I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
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