no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
