I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
