It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize