Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
ttyl tear gas
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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