There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
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