dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
