I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I can text with my tongue
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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