Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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