What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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