zippers are such a cool invention
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
where are you?
Hypothermia
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Randomize
