we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
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