I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
