I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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