She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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