Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
