she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
