that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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