god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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