I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Oh god it's open bar.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
