and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Randomize
