On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
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