shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
