I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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