I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
