party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
