and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
