we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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