Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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