They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Randomize
