ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
i wish my penis had a tongue
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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