Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
MIDGETS
????
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
