so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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